It has been a really long time since I have written a blog post. I went through a period of feeling lost, like my voice no longer mattered or that I no longer wanted to write about certain things. Towards the end of my constant blogging here (before random, scattered posts) I was in my mid 20s — confused and trying to find my way.
Then life got busy. I was focused on other things, met and married my now husband (and in between the house, international trips and our dog). I wasn’t sure that I wanted to keep blogging. I wasn’t sure what voice I had or if others would want to hear it.
What has led me back to this? A rediscovery. This year, 2019, has been my hardest year yet. I have felt loss in such an immense way and have truly being in a state of grief since the start of March. I have felt lost, scared and hopeless. There has of course been joy mixed in – travel, moments with friends and family, turning 30 – but on reflection… this year has been a very difficult and challenging one and truly I am glad to have survived it.
I am glad to have made it to a stage that whilst still grieving, I have recognised growth in myself. I have learnt some lessons this year…
I have learnt that I need to be putting myself first more in order to self care (and at times self protect).
I have redefined what is important and what I can let go.
I have learnt who I can trust and who I cannot.
I have learnt that not everyone will understand something… not matter how much information you can give them.
I have re-learnt that life is fleeting and nothing is a guarantee.
I have learnt patience and strength in a whole new way.
I have learnt that sometimes the path to getting what you want or need may not look or be travelled the way you had hoped.
I discovered that I have an amazing group of women who I work with who have surprised me in becoming my biggest support and make me smile every time I see them. They are fun, friendly, fierce in their love and the kind of women I hope to be surrounded with forever.
Finally, I have learnt that I want to have a voice again — I want to write again, I want to get my thoughts, experiences and musings out there. I started blogging originally for me, I wanted to feel like I was contributing to something. So here goes. I am going to start writing again, I’d love it if it reaches someone, speaks to you and makes you feel like you belong, like you aren’t alone. But if it doesn’t, I think that will be okay too. The main thing is that I feel like I have so much to put into words… and I think this will help me channel my thoughts and feelings as I hopefully move through and on from my grief and proceed to the next chapter.
I don’t know what this blog will exactly become, I may still do the odd fashion or beauty post as I still love those topics, but I think this time I’m going to speak more of the truths of my heart.
As always, if you have read this far and have an opinion or comment – I’d love to hear it. Stay tuned as KOOKLAH gets revitalised and moves forward.